Three weeks is a long time to wait. After our third pregnancy loss this October, we were finally approved to move forward with chromosome testing. Ten vials of blood for me, a few for Greg, and three weeks of waiting. We were so hopeful for some sort of answer. All of the other testing we’ve done up to this point has turned out normal. It’s hard to fix normal.
This past Friday the phone rang and the caller ID was that of my doctors office. I nervously answered. The results: normal.
While my immediate reaction was frustration, we are thankful that we don’t have extra issues complicating our efforts. This was, for the most part, great news. However, the frustration comes because there’s nothing to fix. My doctor said that we have really exhausted most of our testing- I’ve been tested for clotting disorders, antibody issues, internal structural defects, chromosome abnormalities, you name it. And it has cost us A LOT of money. And everything is normal.
At this point, our one and only roadblock is the PCOS and the doctor isn’t even sure how much that is affecting things. I’m working on slowly tweaking my diet (believe it or not, though it may not look like it from the outside, I do eat quite healthy…thank you, PCOS) and my doctor doesn’t want me doing anything too crazy or restrictive. I’ve also been on medication for just over 3 weeks and time will tell if it’s ‘working’. My doctor says it may help, it may not. She says that there’s nothing that should be preventing us from having a normal pregnancy- which gives us hope- but also frustrates us.
So, for now, we just wait to get pregnant again- which isn’t usually an issue. The next time we get pregnant I’ll also be started on progesterone immediately (a very easy ‘fix’) as that is the only consistent factor of all three losses. However, research is divided on whether progesterone helps or not, which is why my doctor has been reluctant to prescribe it in the past. In our (and her) opinion, it’s now worth trying.
We are thankful for our doctor. She is a wealth of knowledge and highly respected in this area. I’m a firm believer in modern medicine and the gifts and abilities God has given doctors to treat issues (holistic/naturopath has it’s time and place, it’s just not our go-to). I know not everyone else agrees, but we appreciate when you keep your opinions to yourself. 🙂 Walking the road of pregnancy loss is difficult enough without everyone giving you their tips, selling you their products, and offering unsolicited advice. I speak for anyone going through infertility and loss: respecting personal choices is the easiest way you can support someone.
I’ll also be brutally honest and admit I’m struggling big time with jealousy. Each loss gets harder and the longer we go without a baby to hold, the emotions grow. Each pregnancy announcement, pregnant belly, and/or talk of babies usually leaves me in tears, albeit in the car, bathroom, or once we get home. I’ve become good at faking a smile/conversation. Greg has been my rock and I’m so thankful for him, but he struggles just as much in his own way. We cling to God’s promises, we pray relentlessly, and soak up comfort in His Word. We pray for His will to be done, and selfishly, right now, we want His will to be the same as ours. It’s a daily, sometimes hourly, surrendering.
I always long to share hope and and encouragement with others, but today the honest truth prevails. Being real and admitting that this is HARD can hopefully still speak encouragement to others- it’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to admit you’re weak. You’re not alone.
The following few lyrics speak so much to how I’ve been feeling lately: worn. I’m worn out from worrying. I’m worn out from testing. I’m worn out from the emotions. I’m worn out from all things baby. I’m worn, but I’m thankful that I know where to go for rest. To Him we cling.
I’m Tired I’m worn.
My heart is heavy
from the work it takes
to keep on breathing.
I’ve let my hope fail.
I know that you can give me rest.
So I cry out with all that I have left.
Let me see redemption win.
Let me know the struggle ends,
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn.
I wanna know a song can rise,
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn.
I’m worn.“Worn” Tenth Avenue North